a. I was in this rough old pub in Leeds. There was sawdust everywhere.
b. On the floor?
T. He said everywhere.
a. I asked the landlord what it was. He said "That's last night's furniture, mate".
T. Talk about making trouble for yourself. He defecated in the police station and then told them an elephant did it.
a. I'm not looking at the clock. I'm looking over there.
T. What are you looking at then?
a. I'm looking at the time.
T. There you are then.
a. Alcohol improves the system's functioning. I was in Walton Street and this little postman came by. I asked him "Will you do me a favour, mate? Here's twenty quid. Go in there and buy me a bottle of vodka". "Why?" "I can't stand upright". Half a bottle of vodka and I was on my feet. I was like a new man.
T. You know Alex, you're the third most sober person in the pub. You get the bronze medal.
a. If it weren't for the tattoos, I wouldn't have known her name when I woke up.